From the time I learned of Ivan's diagnosis, my mind poured over every scenario it could dream up. I even poured over the thought of doing Ivan's one or two loads of laundry and how that might feel. So having gone down every foreseeable path my mind could find, it has been interesting to find both the good and bad surprises on this journey.
The first time I was truly surprised was when I went inside the mortuary. I was so disturbed my baby was at a mortuary! That was another surprise, a path my mind had not known to go down. The decor, the silk plants, the doilies! This is where old, sick people end up. This is for end-of-life. My baby was supposed to be home with a crib and diapers and blankets that smell like Downy. Toys, lullabies, baby stuff! I screamed inside, WHY IS MY BABY BOY IN A MORTUARY? ALONE?!
The next time I was truly surprised was the next day when I saw Ivan at the mortuary for the first time. All along, I told myself, "Well, at least I won't have to go through the shock phase. I've already done that." How wrong I was! I could NOT believe or accept he was dead. Seeing him lying there was shocking. Not how he looked but that he was simply dead. I had seen him die, right? I knew of this. But for some reason, I was totally, utterly SHOCKED. I could not believe it. It was the first time I really realized it, I guess, that he was not coming back.
I'd thought hard and long about Ivan's first angel birthday.
Surprise feelings: What am I supposed to do today? No one-year-old toddling around, digging in to his cake. It all seems very quiet and strange. The feelings have surprised me. I didn't think it would hurt this bad. I keep thinking of Ivan as a little baby but he would be one. One! I hate the distance between now and last year.
I left Anika and Ben with my Mom while I went to Albertsons today. I bought lilies for the house. I also bought flowers to make a boquet for Ivan...blue, purple, yellow...like the ones at his burial. Boulder Mountain wildflowers. I loved his flowers for his burial. I didn't want anything heavenly; he'd get enough of that!
I stared at the balloons forever. What feels right? Happy Birthday? It's a boy? Get well soon? The only thing that felt right and gave me a little chuckle was one with this title: Hope You're Feeling Better. I wanted it but got a birthday one instead. I didn't want Anika to worry and obsess over what exactly I meant by 'Hope You're Feeling Better.' But I do hope and suspect he's feeling better...
We went to the cemetery this evening. It was gray and wet and rainy. We took the kids to feed the ducks at the pond nearby. It's so strange to stand there at his grave and think, he's actually right here. A crazy thought that brought me genuine comfort when we buried him was that I could really go dig him up if it came right down to it That's so crazy but like I said, it brought and still brings me genuine comfort. Crazy lady!
We stuck one candle in a cupcake tonight and sang happy birthday. I have a framed photo of him on the table with a candle lit in front of it. Anika and Brandon are playing card games on the carpet as I type this.
I'm not big on pomp and circumstance, I guess. I know people do more to mark events than I do and I feel bad about it sometimes. At Christmas, I wanted to at least do an ornament for Ivan but when I went to look, I was stumped. I wanted it to be just right. Why couldn't I get my act together, I thought. I see all the graves decorated perfectly for Christmas so I just felt like a loser for not even being able to choose an ornament for my baby. Am I a bad Mom?, I thought. I left the store and cried.
A friend who lost her son showed up a few days later with a surprise: The PERFECT elephant ornament for Ivan. Also, the mortuary gave me a beautiful angel. So it did turn out just right.
People must think I'm so strange. For Ivan's funeral, it was just me and my kids and husband. I didn't even want my mother there. I'm so weird! But I felt like I had to just BE in the moment. I didn't want to be hostess. I didn't want any eyes beholding my grief. I felt like I deserved to grieve and act naturally. Even in quantum physics, a system cannot be observed without affecting the outcome. I just wanted to cry when I wanted to cry, dang it! I sat on the bare earth next to his grave, my engorged breasts aching to nurse my baby who was so close. I just sat there and held my other kids. I was just BEING there, in the moment. We stayed and watched the tractor haul and pour dirt into the grave. The wind and the dirt and springtime...these were the things of ceremony to me.
But that's just me. For my wedding, I was so surprised to come home from the temple ceremony and see that my sisters had assembled a wedding cake. They stacked frozen coconut Pepprige Farm cakes and stuck flowers in them. Oh yeah! Cake! People have wedding cake! It's not even that I had decided to not have cake... it's that I totally forgot people have cake. We had no reception. All I could think about was the ceremony and spending the day with my close family. I just wanted to BE in the moment with no distractions. The thunderstorm that day and well, the ceremony, was plenty ceremonial to me! Like I said, I'm probably weird.
So sometimes I feel weird about not doing bigger things. I wondered once for about five seconds once if Ivan thinks I love him less because I don't do more...stuff. But then...duh! Of course he knows how much I love him ! I know we have a direct connection of souls. "Like gold to airy thinness beat" as one of my favorite poems says. He can feel my love. I carried him. We held each other. He knows.
One of the good surprises I have found on this journey is how much love I can feel FROM Ivan. I send some to him and he sends some to me. He loves me and I can really feel that more each day. He loves me a lot. I love him a lot. He's my baby boy. Forever and ever and always.
I love you sweet Ivan. Thank you for letting me be your Mama. I really, really, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY MISS YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Happy first Birthday in heaven, my angel.
I love you and miss you! I think about how you are doing and how you are coping all the time. Thanks for sharing your heart. When will you finally write a book?
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