Time

Mr. Ben turned the big 3 today.  He said he wanted to go to In- N- Out Burger for lunch...funny kid.  So I took Anika and Ben and we even went inside which is something I would never usually do with the kids.  Our ticket was #3.  Then we went to the car wash and Ben did is roller coaster face. Tonight when I put Ben to Bed, I sang him funny songs like he likes.  I pretend I don't know the words to my regular lullabies and he laughs so hard.  He even started choking from laughing so hard.  Skinamarink a dink a dink skinamarink a doo... I love...and he says... oatmeal!  I love you in the morning and in the after...spoon.  Fork?

Three years ago tonight, I was in labor with Ben.  It's also my Dad's birthday.  Ben was born at 11:55 pm on February 19th.  Five more minutes and he wouldn't have shared his day with my Dad.  Ben Alan Larson.  I put Dad's flag outside today, told him out-loud Happy Birthday and that I'm sorry he has to be dead.  He's missed so much.  I'm so sorry Ben doesn't know his 'Papa'.  It will be nine years this May.

I remember Ben's birthday last year.  I was six days overdue with Ivan.  Somehow, I really believed I would never go into labor.  Why didn't I take photos of me pregnant?  Why?  Why?  Why?  Sometimes, all the little regrets start gnawing on my heart.  I have only a few measly photos of me pregnant with Ivan.  I think I was resisting the finality of it all!  I would give anything to go back and do so many things differently.  I would give anything to go back and hold my sweet boy again.

The spring winds have come early this year, it seems.  On Sunday when I walked out of church, it was warm and windy.  Oh, hello wind, you're here already?  Today too.  I had to bring Dad's flag inside today because of the wind.  Funny how a season's particular slant-of-light conjures memories.  The cottonwoods snow for Dad in May and the grass is really lush.  For Alex, the end-of-summer nights are so still.  For Ivan, it's the spring winds and the smell of lilies in my house.

Sometimes it seems it has been only days since I held Ivan.  Or spoke to my Dad.  Or rocked and nursed my babies.  Sometimes, it seems it has been an eternity plus an eternity.  Am I the only one suspicious of time?  I'm not just suspicious...  it seems totally obvious time is an illusion!  Everyone understands how time seems slow and fast but none of us can quite wrap our heads around it. It's pretty obvious, folks, we are dealing with a veil separating us from what is real.  The longer I live, the more obvious it seems, the more phony this entire mortal experience seems.  The facade crumbles a little more each year.