It's weird to realize you're changing. Or have changed. In ways you
didn't expect. I don't think I feel things anymore. I feel fear. I
still feel love. Especially for my kids so that's a good sign.
I never know if I want to keep my thoughts private or share them.
Lately, I keep feelings and thoughts private. It's not to protect
myself from criticism, I don't think. Unless it would be from my Mother
but I would never let her know this blog existed. I get enough
scrutiny from her just by petting the dog wrong. No, if I had to
pinpoint why I've dropped off the planet, it's because I've been giving
up. I've in lots of ways surrendered to the loneliness. I'm lonely in
my grief. That's just the human experience. I think most are lonely in
their grief and deeply hurting so that's not unique. I'm
extraordinarily lonely in my marriage. I'm so grateful for the stable
figure he is. And his goodness. And I would never wreck it. But there
is no companionship. Brandon is not neurotypical. No one but me wants
to see it or admit it. There is no getting around our impasse. Of
that I'm sure. And I've been grieving that realization for a few years
now. I always feel like one of us is a ghost. I don't know who,
though. I'm not seen. Or I'm talking to myself.
I'm not sure if it's helpful or not to air these grievances. I feel
like somehow typing this means I'm not totally isolated. But I don't
want to do harm or focus on the negative.
The only thing that fixes these feelings is the Holy Ghost. It fills
that empty spot. That grieving spot. But I'm to apathetic to seek its
companionship. You know that takes effort, right? Reading, praying,
serving, begging God for charity, that pure love that's promised to us.
I know how to fix it. But I'm too lazy. Each night I say no I don't
feel like seeking the Spirit. I'll just watch TV and eat chips.
Yesterday, God reached down from the sky with a message for me, even
though I'd done nothing to commune with His spirit. He said I should
seek the spirit out of obedience and submission, not because I
particularly felt like it. Revelation.
I have a sense my gifts are needed. I can be a blessing to others.
The companionship of the Holy Ghost cures what ails you.
First the justification.
Now the SANCTIFICATION.
The Holy Ghost gives me love for my husband.
Every time during my yoga meditation, I feel the same thing. Every
single time. The second I still myself and turn my gaze inward and
really see myself, I feel the same thing. It isn't subtle, either. It
comes powerfully. It makes my stomach double over and tears form in my
eyes. Want to know what it is? It's a homesickness. A very powerful
yearning, yearning, yearning to be close to God. To approach God. To
feel God. I know how to approach Him. I know how to seek the Spirit.
So why do I resist it so much?
"They are as a wild flock which fleeth from the shepherd".
