Love Wins

To:  My Body
The milk.  It seems to me a really low blow.  Is there no system override when my mind knows my sweet babe is not here?

To:  My Dad
When you died, I just couldn't believe you had food in your fridge.  And fresh fruit on your counter.  I wore your slippers, sat in your chair and ate your chocolate pudding.  I couldn't comprehend that you had just been here.  Just days before.  You were actually on earth, had gone to Wal-Mart and picked out fruit!  And it was still fresh.  This was proof you were close when you were gone.  Inevitably, though, the time came to empty your freezer, box up your books, lock the door and turn in the key.

To:  My Sweet Baby
My milk is gone now.  It was painful while it was here but it was proof you were close.  That you had actually been with me for nearly one year.  That I really did hold your warm body against my chest and hear your sweet voice talk to me.  No one can stop this arrow of time.  I can't slow it down.  I hate these days passing.  I want you to be close.  Please stay close to me always.  Let me feel you close.



I've been thinking of the instincts a mother has.  Even animals are driven beyond their own control to fiercely protect and nurture their young.  I understand now the aching arms.  Everything in me wants to hold my baby and take care of him.  The fact that he is in a box in the ground is a very disturbing nightmare, the ones you wake up from to find your baby still sleeping in your arms.  I keep getting a panicked feeling, similar to the few seconds you can't locate your child at the park or in a mall.

For so long, I knew exactly where Ivan was.  I knew he was safe and warm in my belly, spirit and body together.  And now I just want to know exactly where he is.  I know he is safe and with God but I feel like I've lost him.  I feel terrible I couldn't fix him and make him well.  Every cell in my body is wandering, looking for my baby.  Every bit of me aches to hold him.  I wander the house, full of the energy and adrenaline that keeps you awake nursing those first months, not knowing what to do with myself next. 

And then yesterday I remembered that my baby loves me back.  When I am empty, I let that love flow between us.  I send some to him and he sends some to me.  It fills me up.  Love wins.  I'm so happy he is my son!  I'm so happy to have had him here with me.  I miss him.
 

I love this picture my midwife took.  It captures the intense love and happiness we felt when we finally got to meet Ivan, Brandon's eyes wet all at once with happy and sad.  A volunteer from NILMDTS came and took professional photos which I should have in several weeks and am very much looking forward to seeing.