"Your absence has gone through me
Like thread through a needle
Everything I do is stitched with its color."

~W.S. Merwin, "Separation"

Missing Ivan

And just when I think it's getting easier... it's not. I just miss him.

D U H !

It's of note, isn't it, that God knows what He's doing?  Remarkable, really. 

When I first found out about Ivan, I thought the task impossible.  I prayed with my wet face buried in the carpet of my living room floor for relief.  I wanted God to take him then.  I thought it would kill me to watch my son die in my own arms.  And then as I prayed, my wails turned to laughter.  A real, deep belly laugh. A thought had been whispered to me and it went like this:  Maybe God knows better than you do, Alana.  I don't know why I thought that was so funny.  I was laughing, I guess, at my own pride.  It's like that was the first moment in my entire life I really understood God is God.  And so God knows better than I do, right?!  Because He's like...God!

It was maybe the first time I felt real humility.  To compare my will to His was laughable.  Just plain ol' country funny.  Like someone had just told me a great joke.  I knew then my will is NOTHING.  The humble surrender felt sublime and brought great relief.  I laughed.  And sobbed. And laughed.  I handed it all over to my loving Heavenly Father in that moment and decided to trust Him because remember... He's like...God!

D U H !

I also knew in that moment that Ivan would be born full term and I would get to meet him.  I just knew.  I'm so thankful my Heavenly Father loves me and all of us enough to let us suffer.  He is good and will turn our sadness to joy, the bitter to sweet if we let Him.